went sukiya again with my parents just now, but we parked at suntec.
and suddenly the fountain brought back loads of memories.

my first time together with her was in secondary school.
i was like totally infactuated and gaga at that time, and while we were out with lots of RV people, i dedicated a msg for her on the fountain.
and told her i'll love her forever.

yea rite. forever.
we broke up soon enough.

the fountain holds lots of memories for me not only because of this.
but because i walked around it making wishes like so many times.
you know, walking around the fountain three times, stretching your hand out, and making a wish?

yes, i know.
you must be thinking to yourself "HUH HOW STUPID IS THAT. JOHN KHOO DOES THAT?"

but yes, i remember going there at least three times when i was with her.
twice i went alone.
once i went there and wished for her results in JC.... coz we were quarreling a lot back then and it was affecting her results...
so i went there and wished that she'll get through her exams with good results.

second time i went there and wished that we'll totally live happily ever after and that she'll want to marry me once i get out of NS and start schooling and earning enough money.

i cant believe i was that naive.

i was half tempted to walk around it just now again,
and wish that you'll live happily ever after with your boyfriend now.
but thats so fake isn't it?

when what my heart's really crying out, is that you'll love me again, we'll get married, i won't take you for granted, and we'll have kids and have a happy family together.

i'm honestly perturbed. read please.

several things happened that prompted me to pen down my thoughts today.

to start of,
i have a confession to make.
i'm probably one of the most insecure guys you can ever meet in your entire life.
i claim i dont care about what others think about me, but no, i care actually.
i care that i'm fat. that my face's too big.
i care that my complexion sucks, and that my hair's bad
i care if my hair colour's dull or if my clothes are a little too big or tight.
i care that i'm not well built, that i don't frequent the gym

rants aside.

--------
a few months back, someone labelled me a flirt, and spreaded that across the entire arts camp.
he dissected a lot of my actions and words, and slashed each word and action with a sharp blade, questioning not only my intentions, but my character as human being.

1. i went to the east to pick up two girls to camp, because it was their last day, and they hardly bonded with the OG. i didn't want them to start school with no friends to hang out with. so yes, i offered to pick them up and bring them back to school.

funny how the story got twisted up in the end. but yes, i forgave that person because i took it as a misunderstanding... or at least thats what i hope to believe.. its all a misunderstanding.

forgiving is one thing, but it still disturbs me alot.
i've been thinking alot about my actions nowadays...
so much so that i'm beginning to feel uncomfortable when i hang out with just girls.
and at one point of time, i thought... "HEY. maybe those rumours may be right. JOHN, U ARE FREAKIN SWEET TALKER JERK"
my ex gf used to tell me that i'm over friendly to girls.
during my singing performance days, i can never say no if a girl walked up to me and asked me for my msn.
i'm always happy and cheerful around girls, and i tend to sugar coat my words.

so yes, i told myself to be more conscious in everything i do.
i think before i speak, i think before i act.
---------

i admit i'm not good with guys.
i don't know what guys go through their head seriously.
apart from my close guy friends from secondary school, and a few i met in university, i seriously think that the rest are hard to understand, complicated, and really turn offish.

and you know, its disturbing u know.
i watched some movie recently about a groom who cldn't find his best man because he didn't have any guy friends.
and i was so worried i'll end up like him.

but no, its not like i'm not trying.
i really do treat every body the same. guy girl, students, old, young, whatever.
---------------------

rants aside. whatever i said on top has no link to whatever i'm goin to say below now.

----------------------
today i realised something..
one of the guys, lets name him S (because i'm beginning to think he's an ass) who spreaded really hurtful insulting rumours about me a few mths back goes round telling other people that other guys are flirts as well. A is a flirt, and so is B, and C.

let us rewind.
few months back, you called me a flirt. i took your opinion constructively even though you hardly knew me.
then you called my friend's friend a flirt, i didn't think much about it. (cause why should i? i don't know him)
now you're calling my friend's boyfriend a flirt, and i'm beginning to worry for you.... i'm not pissed, really, just worried.

coz to you,
everyone else is a flirt.
and you seem to be the nicest guy on Earth.

isn't that worrying?
aren't u being a little too self centred?
aren't u being a little too insensitive?

i was walking along arts with my friend that day when she pointed to me this guy, and told me how horrible he was, how she heard alot of bad things about him etc.

i looked at him, and i saw myself.
i've been judged for what i have been in my past. i've been judged by people who don't even know me, who hear from others.

so what if i had umptheen failed r'ships?
does having lots of past r'ships automatically make me a bad guy?
or on the contrary, is a guy who never ever had any relationships the best of the lot?

so why don't people see the other side of the coin?
i've been single for 2 yrs,
i'm stupidly in love and holding on to a girl that isn't mine anymore..
i think of her every night, and sometimes i shed tears before i go to sleep.
whats worse,
i've tried, but failed to fall in love again.

a month ago, i met a girl, i did so many things for her birthday, and i honestly thought that everything was going to fall in place for once.

but no, i was still being judged.
and yes, i now don't love anyone. apart from my best buddy, and that girl who isn't, and would never be mine anymore.

the words dixie once said to me still rings in my head.
and i blame myself, even up till today, for this horrible personality that resulted in the breakup of what i deem my most perfect r'ship in my 24 years alive.

but the cruel fact is that, looking back at my past is not going to solve anything.

for gdness sake,
you're free to judge me.
nobody can stop you.

but 1. judge yourself first before u judge others
and 2. judge me only if you know me, not hear about me.

to this mysterious wonderful mr perfect.
stop calling others a flirt..
coz i look at you, and i don't see any better.
and because of that, you don't have the right to label every guy who's nice a flirt...

i'm disturbed when you judge my friend's boyfriend as if he's the most ugly person ever, and you're mr prince charming who's tryin to save my friend from the evil demon.

peace.

isn't it funny how the older i get, the more i'm convinced that i want something that i've let slip three times in my life?

i don't blame myself for letting you slip when we were both in secondary school, cause we were both young.

but then,
why when we were older?

on a brighter note, i just got a song done recently.
my first in a very long time.
i realise my songs all revolve around the same theme, but i guess thats what people like me do...

somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue :))

when i'm away for internship next year, i wonder what i would do without seeing these bunch of hyperactive fun kids.

i love music.
but am i doing enough?

feeling like a third party ain't cool.

squash session with javin just now was fun.
but not the after effects. i can hardly move my hips now, think i just suffered a recurring slipped disc.
now. how do i walk tmr.

sukiya

try sukiya at marina square.
sukiyaki steamboat.
u won't regret it.

went there with qing and mike today,
and i tell you, it was the most fulfilling steamboat i've ever eaten.
nicely sliced beef, thin,
fresh mushrooms,
sweet tasting soup broth...

i give it 5 stars.

people grow through pain, i'm no exception.
now its time to channel those feelings into something more meaningful, like getting my essays done, or songs written.

i deserve it..

here i am, struggling to complete my NM proj, and i have GEM proj due this coming monday, not forgettin SC proj due nxt monday.

think its bad enough?

no, i still have Science of Music essay due nxt wk, and a MIDI project due as well.

but no use complaining.
coz.
i asked for it!

i've been slacking so much for the entire semester....
leavin everything to the last minute.

thats what i've become recently.
a procrastinator.
ah well...

i finally got my ass down to write a new song.
its been 2 years since i last felt proud of any song i wrote.

this is going to be a start i hope.
thanks to all those who listened and helped out with constructive comments online! :))

have you ever felt this weird inverse relationship between distance and closeness.

the closer you get to a person, the further you feel apart from him/her.

what an irony...

500 days with summer.

nice movie.

non typical.

realistic.

its amazing how hollywood films usually overplays the whole notion of love, making it all so sweet and wonderful..

when in reality, IT ISN'T.

so watch this movie.

its unconventional,but real.

love doesn't really exist.

neither does fate, or mere coincidences.

the problem with me is i dont take rejection very well.

thats something i'm trying to change.

maybe its my ego.

d used to hate my ego.

met up with eileen today for inglorious bastards.

surprisingly lots to talk about!

never knew we could just go on and on and on about things.

and i found out that her sister knows ewe.

meanwhile, i'm confused about a lot of things.

books, with empty pages, are unreadable.

or maybe u're an encyclopedia with too many words to understand.

or maybe its just me who's stupid...

but i'm trying u know...

but i'm just an ordinary person.

i don't know which way to go.

anyway, i've got a recent favourite song.

for the first time in a long time.. i've had enough of songs that go "pokerrr face, or just dance or imsoniaaaaa"

download asher book's someone to watch over me.

it encurtails the beauty of simple words, with a simple melody.

something that i haven't been able to find of late.

like what joce told me.

mebbe the songs i write, the inspirations, come from what i've gone thru.

and what i've gone thru lately,

isn't really the nicest things to put into a song...

and i dreamt of dixie that day.

it was freakishly realistic. so much that i actually sleepwalked out to the toilet, and back to sleep without knowing and my mum saw me :S

lets see..
3 assignments due this wk,
1 mid term test.

but hey! its e-learning wk. which means i go back to school only once this wk for tutorials, and the rest is just online

(which then gives me another reason to slack)
this sucks... :

knn.

some people are assholes.

and i wonder why i even bother.

fark you.

like hello. university students should have EQ shoudln't they?

---

and yes you.

mebbe you ought to be more sensitive.

i'm not feeling-less huh.

i'm human.

even if its not your fault that this is happening and u didnt cause it.

i feel stupid for everything.

for being so affected.

for feeling so out of this world now.

it meant something to me u know.

doin everything for u.

it meant alot.

its 430am and so much is runnin thru and i just cant sleep.

it has been such a hectic day today...

from waking up at 730am for a second life class (which was awfully retarded), to going to the market, baking (and eventually burning my brownies), rushing down for tutorials coz i'm late from baking,

den jurong point, shopping, getting the right stuffs (looking really retarded going in the same shop 4 times alone), dinner, strollin along boat quay all the way till reachin home at 1am..

surprising i was never tired until i reached home.

and now it feels like the whole world is spinnin. all i need to do is close my eyes and i actually can fall asleep in front of the computer

den again, all this is worth it i guess

i haven't done something so unconditional for a long time.

i haven't sang a birthday song like this before

nor prepared a night like this.

i draw a circle around your name

not a heart

because in my world, hearts break.

they break, disappear and hurt.

circles go on and on and on forever.

and thats what you should get.

point to myself:

1. i'm not doin anything everyday. i'm just playin championship manager, watchin hours of hk serial, teaching music, and nothing else

2. my life's too boring. i need something to spruce it up.

3. i want my dog back in my house. i miss rocher like crazy.

4. i'm beginning to wonder why the hell we attend arts camps and orientation weeks when ultimately we don't exactly make friends we talk to. hi, bye friends. :S

5. i'm having sleeping disorders. i sleep earli, and i'll wake up in the middle of the night at 3 or 4am and fail to sleep again. den i'll sleep by 6am, until noon.

6. i'm skippin school too much. i don't know why but i just feel that this semester is a bloody waste of my time.

extinction.

each time i think i meet someone nice, i've been made to discover its a mistake.
and when i finally meet a genuinely nice person, it just doesnt move the way it supposed to move.

now you know why i'm still stuck in this rut.